Rich Bradley: The Blog

John Sununu
Junior Senator from New Hampshire
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 2003
Age: 43
Pros: Youngest current US Senator; spouse’s name is, hilariously, Kitty Sununu; pro’lly gonna get beat this year by rhymin’ queen Mean Jeanne Shaheen.
Cons: He’s some MIT grad egghead New Hampshire faux-Libertarian birth control Nazi who instinctively opposes all taxes and wants us to go back to, I dunno, feudalism or something. Or his idea of freedom is just saying “freedom” a lot. I don’t know. Shouldn’t have to worry too much about it after November.

Jon Tester
Junior Senator from Montana
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 2007
Age: 52
Pros: Alongside popular Democratic Governor Brian Schweitzer, Tester proves that the masses of charismatic wide-faced Montana farmers are startin’ to go blue. Yee-haw!
Cons: Lost three fingers in a meat grinder accident. EEEWWWWWWW GROSS LOL

John Thune
Junior Senator from South Dakota
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 2005
Age: 47
Pros: Defeated Senate Dem leader Tom Daschle in the massacre of 2004; this turned out to be a plus because we got rid of whiny puss Daschle and started winning elections again.
Cons: Now Daschle is a key figure in the Obama campaign (horrifying); far as Thune goes, he’s considered a hardcore conservative up-and-comer who might have filled the Sarah Palin slot on McCain’s ticket if he had ovaries.

David Vitter
Junior Senator from Louisiana
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 2005
Age: 47
Pros: Sure, he hit her, but reconsider: Vitter’s no quitter! (…by which I mean at the same time he was calling on Clinton to resign he was off banging hookers, and hey, look who’s still a Senator today).
Cons: According to the almighty Wikipedia — “In 2000, his wife, Wendy Vitter, commenting on the same scandal, said, ‘I’m a lot more like Lorena Bobbitt than Hillary. If he does something like that, I’m walking away with one thing, and it’s not alimony, trust me.’” Whoops! Wonder if she followed through. EEEWWWWWWW GROSS LOL penis

George Voinovich
Senior Senator from Ohio
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 1999
Age: 72
Pros: Once beat Dennis Kucinich in Cleveland, and I think regardless of party we’ve all wanted to beat Dennis Kucinich at one time or another.
Cons: Maybe it’s just me, but I find it really unusually awkward and uncomfortable to type “George Voinovich”; I’ve had to correct like twenty typos with his name in this post alone.

John Warner
Senior Senator from Virginia
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 1979
Age: 81
Pros: The only sitting US Senator to have been married to Elizabeth Taylor (as far as we know…I’m looking at you, Herb Kohl); former VA Governor and Democrat Mark Warner is likely to pick up his seat this year, so they won’t even have to change the name on the door.
Cons: Honestly, he’s a pretty decent and moderate Senator, especially for a southern Republican; best wishes in your retirement, Mr. Elizabeth Taylor #6.

Jim Webb
Junior Senator from Virginia
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 2007
Age: 62
Pros: Accomplished writer and genuinely highly intelligent decorated Vietnam veteran; seems like an obvious choice for national office…
Cons: …OH WAIT N/M

Sheldon Whitehouse
Junior Senator from Rhode Island
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 2007
Age: 52
Pros: His name is Whitehouse! WOuld you imagene if he evar becoms presidnet? what the newspapers would be they would be all lik “WHJITEHOUSE IS IN THE WHITEHSOUES!!!1111@.6″
Cons: Being the Junior Senator from Rhode Island is kind of like being Adam Hyzdu in the 2004 Boston Red Sox; sure, you get the ring and all, you get to ride in the parade and wave to all the adoring fans trying to figure out who you are (maybe the first base coach or something?)…but after that, your professional career whimpers to a halt, you end up pawning your ring for blow, not even the homely chicks in your local bar believe you when you say you were a professional baseball player, let alone one from a legendary championship team, then the years all start to blur together, and soon enough you die cold and alone watching reruns of “Law & Order: SVU” (not saying this is what actually awaits either Adam Hyzdu or Sheldon Whitehouse, but…you get the idea).

Roger Wicker
Junior Senator from Mississippi
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 2007
Age: 57
Pros: Roger Frederick “The Wicker Man” Wicker, as I’m sure no one calls him, was appointed to his Senate seat after Trent Lott suddenly disappeared in a puff of racism smoke (smells something like sulfur and fried chicken); may well get his ass beat in this year’s special election.
Cons: Doesn’t really seem like you’re taking care of the problem when Trent Lott resigns in disgrace and you replace him with someone whose resume highlights include “Counsel to Trent Lott on the House Rules Committee,” but what do I know?

Ron Wyden
Senior Senator from Oregon
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 1996
Age: 59
Pros: Net neutrality bill sponsor; strong critic of the tobacco industry; probably some other stuff whatever I’m almost done
Cons: Blah blah blah Iraq blah blah taxes DONE!!!!

HA! You didn’t think I’d finish, did you? You thought I’d take this all the way through November and then suddenly have to go back and do all the new Senators, didn’t you? Well I showed you. Now you know everything you will ever need to know about all 100 of our United States Senators. So fuck you.

Sorry, that’s uncalled for.

Next I’d like to write something about the social dilemmas brought into the presidential campaign by the emergence of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as John McCain’s running mate. Either that or I’ll post some funny “FAIL” videos. Whatever I have time for. No promises.

Ken Salazar
Junior Senator from Colorado
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 2005
Age: 53
Pros: It has been very nice to see Colorado turning blue over the past few years; first Hispanic Senator since 1977 (along with Mel Martinez).
Cons: Big Lieberman backer for some bizarre reason, and there’s just about nobody on this planet I like less than Joe right now. What does CT law say about traitorous Senators, anyway? Can’t we Gray Davis the guy?

Bernie Sanders
Junior Senator from Vermont
Party: Independent (Democratic Socialist)
Assumed Office: 2007
Age: 66
Pros: Thanks to the great, pot-infused state of Vermont, we have a socialist Brooklyn Jew Senator.
Cons: If only he were also black and gay and blind and a dwarf who doesn’t speak any English. But don’t worry, the way things are in Vermont I fully expect to see that in the next six years.

Chuck Schumer
Senior Senator from New York
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 1999
Age: 57
Pros: High-ranking, dependably liberal establishment Dem who knows how to get himself on TV.
Cons: From yesterday’s WaPo: “‘Wait until Schumer stops talking,’ Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid suggested to [DNC Chairman Howard] Dean. ‘That’ll be a long wait,’ Dean replied. Then began the meeting.” Just in case you didn’t get that: the guy doesn’t shut up.

Jeff Sessions
Junior Senator from Alabama
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 1997
Age: 61
Pros: Like Peel Sessions, except with less good music and more cutting down forests and torturing brown people.
Cons: CQ Press: “According to sworn statements by Justice Department lawyers, Sessions called the NAACP and the American Civil Liberties Union ‘un-American’ and ‘communist-inspired’ and said they ‘force civil rights down the throats of people.’ He also reportedly said of the Ku Klux Klan, ‘I used to think they’re OK,’ until learning that some Klan members were ‘pot smokers.’” But look, folks, his name is Jefferson and he’s from Alabama, what do you want?

Richard Shelby
Senior Senator from Alabama
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 1987
Age: 74
Pros: Now here’s the more moderate Alabama Senator: an anti-environmentalist, classified information-leaking abortion opponent… but he opposed Robert Bork in 1987! And that is more than enough to make Dick look like Bernie Sanders next to Jeff Sessions.
Cons: One of the last courageous defenders of Big Tobacco.

Gordon Smith
Junior Senator from Oregon
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 1997
Age: 56
Pros: Decent chance of being ousted this year by Democrat Jeff Merkley, in what would have to be a particularly painful Republican loss.
Cons: Supported racist buffoon Trent Lott in his doomed quest to not get tossed as Senate Republican leader; has that horrible, creepy Mormon hair thing going.

Olympia Snowe
Senior Senator from Maine
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 1995
Age: 61
Pros: Highest approval rating of any Senator in her home state, because the Republicans voters like best don’t actually vote Republican.
Cons: Despite her rather awesome record on abortion rights and gay rights, Snowe is weirdly nutty on certain things, including flag burning; are we really still worried about people burning a fucking flag? Also, useless on Iraq, where being a true “moderate” might have meant something.

Arlen Specter
Senior Senator from Pennsylvania
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 1981
Age: 78
Pros: Has balanced his work with his cancer battle quite heroically in his advanced age; historically was pretty reasonable on key issues, much to his party’s dismay.
Cons: Can somebody let Arlen know the Senate really doesn’t need to be involved in fucking Spygate? I mean, sorry the Eagles suck, Senator, but Christ. The Superbowl is over, the Patriots lost, I think it’s time we come together as a nation and move on.

Debbie Stabenow
Junior Senator from Michigan
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 2001
Age: 58
Pros: Chairperson of the Democratic Steering Committee; so far she seems to be steering quite well, at least compared to whoever the last guy was, who must have steered about as well as a four year old playing Mario Kart.
Cons: Michigan Dem husband and executive VP of radio debacle Air America Tom Athans recently caught in a prostitution sting. And really, there is just no excuse for that when your wife is this hot.

Ted Stevens
Senior Senator from Alaska
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 1968
Age: 84
Pros: “Ten movies streaming across that, that Internet, and what happens to your own personal Internet? I just the other day got… an Internet was sent by my staff at 10 o’clock in the morning on Friday, I got it yesterday [Tuesday]. Why? Because it got tangled up with all these things going on the Internet commercially. […] They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the Internet. And again, the Internet is not something that you just dump something on. It’s not a big truck. It’s a series of tubes. And if you don’t understand, those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and it’s going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material.”
Cons: Senator Bridge-to-Nowhere has had a long and horrible career, perhaps wasting more tax dollars than any of his colleagues could ever dream of wasting. But this is it… 2008 is the year. Vote Begich, Alaska, and be redeemed.

Next time: THE THRILLING CONCLUSION! Almost a full year coming, it’s Know Your US Senators, part 10: Sununu through Wyden. Be there.

Update: Fixed the link problem plaguing this entry.

Today the McCain v. Obama race is officially underway. Conventional wisdom throughout the media is saying this is Obama’s race to lose. Let’s see, from a polling perspective, how true or false that wisdom is today. And yes, this is basically just an update on my post from a few weeks ago looking at the electoral map. (Continued)

Essential reading at DailyKos regarding Joementum’s spectacularly dangerous and arrogant stupidity. Connecticut Democrats kicked him out of the party once, and it’s time now for Senate leadership to take similar action. We just can’t tolerate this kind of thing in an election year.

For all Democrats concerned about Barack Obama’s chances in November, I have some good news: the electoral map is in our favor this year. I know that goes against what every pundit and DLC member (and your own brain if you lived through 2000 and 2004) tells you, but it’s true. As long as Barack Obama can win the states that ought to be expected to go for any Democrat, his odds at winning the general are clearly better than McCain’s. Details below… (Continued)

Today is a key day to test the waters and see how McCain’s campaign will come out swinging against Barack Obama, now (finally) the media-ordained Democratic nominee for President. Predictably, McCain’s been out working the “my foreign policy experience versus yours” line. I think this is a huge winner for the Democrats, as we’ve now expected it should be since at least 2003. Obama ought to take advantage and respond from a position of strength; I would suggest using the phrase, “A Foreign Policy of Responsibility.” Nothing new, I know, but this point needs to be hammered again and again. We all know the last thing Obama needs is unsolicited speechwriting. But here’s a possible example to flesh out this idea:

John McCain likes to compare his foreign policy experience to mine. Obviously the issue of the next President’s foreign policy is going to be of the most serious importance to all Americans. The stakes associated with this issue are far too high for us to reduce the debate to “Candidate A has this much foreign policy experience while Candidate B has this much.” What really matters here is: what model of foreign policy will each of us bring to the White House? John McCain brings with him a good amount of experience in the policy of ill-conceived war, and the dangerously outdated model of “act now, think later.” I’ll be the first to admit he probably has more bullet points on his resume than I do under “The Bush-Cheney version of Foreign Policy.” What I will bring to Washington is a new foreign policy, adapted to the realities of the post-September 11th and post-Iraq War world. A foreign policy of diplomacy, and dealing with terrorism as a global problem that concerns all civilized societies; a policy of strength and true homeland security, putting the safety of all Americans before political and ideological vendettas; a policy of leadership by example, to remind the rest of the world why the United States of America is to be admired, not feared. And don’t think I’ll be going it alone when I get to the Oval Office. I will be bringing with me some of the greatest minds in foreign policy, and I am not too proud to tell you I will consult with experts regardless of their political affilation when making the kinds of decisions that affect Americans at home and our brave troops overseas. Make no mistake — I will act swiftly and directly to counter any threat to our great nation. But I do not subscribe to the Bush-Cheney model of going it alone now and dealing with whatever consequences occur as a result later. I fear John McCain’s foreign policy will be a continuation of that Bush-Cheney model. Mine will be a foreign policy of responsibility.

My point here is to frame this foreign policy debate right from the get-go, because McCain is eager to harp on this and there’s really no reason it should be anything but a huge winner for Obama. Take away the frame of the GOP as the “party of adults” by contrasting the Bush/McCain foreign policy with a responsible one (and also take advantage of the opportunity to improve the media-distorted popular image of Obama’s patriotism).

Lisa Murkowski
Junior Senator from Alaska
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 2002
Age: 50
Pros: Frank Murkowski, US Senator from Alaska, vacates his seat upon being elected Governor of Alaska; he is now in the unique position of having to appoint his successor; and when this happens in Alaska, that means your daughter gets a new job! And then gets reelected to her own full term! Alaska: Where the nepotism is.
Cons: How is it even possible to have a 50% rating from the National Right to Life Committee? “Yeah, I’m kind of against abortion sometimes…I dunno…can you like just abort the legs?”

Patty Murray
Senior Senator from Washington
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 1993
Age: 57
Pros: Strom Thurmond felt her up in an elevator. What an honor!
Cons: Until right now I honestly had no idea we had a Senator named Patty Murray.

Ben Nelson
Junior Senator from Nebraska
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 2001
Age: 66
Pros: It’s not easy being a Democrat in Nebraska; that’s why he usually just votes Republican.
Cons: Dubbed “the Benator” by George W. Bush, but his first name is actually Earl; nickname therefore should, in fact, be “the Senatearl.”

Bill Nelson
Senior Senator from Florida
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 2001
Age: 65
Pros: Dude went into fucking space!
Cons: There really should be a one-conservative-Democrat-named-Nelson-in-the-US-Senate-at-one-time limit.

Barry Obama

Mark Pryor
Junior Senator from Arkansas
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 2003
Age: 45
Pros: Highly touted USC pitcher, 2nd pick overall in the 2001 MLB draft.
Cons: Only managed 42 wins over five seasons with the Cubs due to an ongoing series of injuries, signed to a limited contract by the San Diego Padres this year and placed on the 60-day disabled list for — wait, Pryor? With a “y”? Who the fuck is Mark Pryor?

Jack Reed
Senior Senator from Rhode Island
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 1997
Age: 58
Pros: One of the most liberal votes in the Senate; former Army Ranger and paratrooper.
Cons: Roundness of head well beyond ridiculous, into “definitely Photoshopped” territory.

Harry Reid
Senior Senator from Nevada
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 1987
Age: 68
Pros: Senate Majority Leader; knows the ins and outs of the Senate rules better than just about anybody.
Cons: Maybe only marginally more effective than Tom Daschle was during his tenure; Mormon and pro-life, not exactly the best representative of Democratic ideals.

Pat Roberts
Junior Senator from Kansas
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 1997
Age: 71
Pros: Chairman of US Senate Select Committee on Intelligence, which means you could fully count on him to produce a complete and honest report on the intelligence failures leading up to the Iraq War, right?
Cons: Seriously though, this guy sucks. But hey, that’s Kansas, you know?

Jay Rockefeller
Junior Senator from West Virginia
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 1985
Age: 70
Pros: What’s that? You’re surprised there’s still a Rockefeller kicking around in the Senate? So is everyone else! But he’s good-natured about it. He always goes around talking in a loud, over-the-top 19th century oil tycoon kind of voice, has a money pit that he takes swims in, y’know, he’s mostly just there for show. Like Ted Kennedy.
Cons: Strongly supported going to war in Iraq back in 2002-3; did an about-face on the telco immunity thing; wants the FCC to be able to regulate broadcast AND cable AND satellite TV.

Next time: Know Your US Senators, part 9: Salazar through Stevens. So close!

Matt Taibbi has an excellent article in Rolling Stone discussing why a McCain presidency is such a frightening prospect. Please read.

It looks like nothing short of death is going to prevent John McCain from becoming the GOP presidential candidate in 2008. McCain is going to be a lot more popular among independents and some Democrats than George W. Bush ever was, but there are still some questions that make his inauguration less than a sure thing: his apparent inability to win the trust of his party’s conservative base, his advanced age, his lack of support in the Bible Belt. Not to mention the fact that he may well be running against a strong, respected, young African-American candidate with a proven record of rallying support well beyond his own party faithful, in what’s considered to be a tough year for Republicans anyway. So how does John McCain most strategically select a running mate? I’ve listed what I wager to be his top 5 choices below, along with the key pros and cons of each.

1. Mike Huckabee (former Governor of Arkansas)
Pros:  Obviously hugely popular among the key Evangelical Southern conservative demographic, a group that hasn’t exactly been gung-ho on John McCain so far
Cons:  Currently really pissing off a lot of the Republican establishment by staying in the race for the presidential nomination; doesn’t help McCain win over economic conservatives, has been derided by Limbaugh’s crowd for being too liberal

2. Charlie Crist (Governor of Florida)
Pros:  Guarantees a McCain win in the essential state of Florida (which, to be fair, neither Clinton or Obama will ever have a chance of winning anyway); counters many of McCain’s perceived shortcomings with his stance on guns and immigration
Cons:  Perhaps not quite socially conservative enough to win over some of the Bible Belters who are against a McCain presidency; is sometimes blamed for refusing to intervene in the Schiavo right-to-die case as Florida’s Attorney General (though frankly this will be considered a pro among a majority of the country’s non-Evangelical voting population)

3. Mark Sanford (Governor of South Carolina)
Pros:  At 47, young enough to counter the potential Obama v. McCain age debate; experienced Southern governor with strong economic libertarian views that should solidify McCain’s support among independents
Cons:  Could be viewed as a little too Ron Paul-ish by some; may not help McCain win Evangelical support

4. Tim Pawlenty (Governor of Minnesota)
Pros:  Like Sanford, has the benefit of relative youth (he’s also 47); successfully balanced state budget without raising taxes, meaning he wins all Romney’s supporters easily; recently has been pushing a strong immigration reform policy, undoubtedly to try and get a spot on this ticket
Cons:  Little geographical benefit to McCain as Dems would still be very favored to win Minnesota in November; tax policies have been blamed in part for the Minneapolis bridge collapse; some controversies surrounding appointments to head state departments

5. Bobby Jindal (Governor of Louisiana)
Pros:  Very young (36) and extremely charismatic; Rhodes scholar; not a white guy, thereby adding minority cred to a ticket likely to face Obama; adored by the Republican base, and called “the next Ronald Reagan” by Limbaugh
Cons:  Huge lack of experience question, as he was only sworn in as Governor this year; Republicans may want to save this guy for 2012 or 2016

God damn it, I finish what I start.

Carl Levin
Senior Senator from Michigan
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 1979
Age: 73
Pros: Respected Chairman of the Armed Services Committee; voted against sending troops into Iraq, and has consistently supported legislation to bring an end to the war; opposes New Hampshire’s claim on having the first presidential primary in the US, and I’m betting we’re more or less all in agreement on that one right now.
Cons: Keeps moving his glasses further and further down his face, presumably as a metaphor for the effects of climate change on the polar ice caps; while a deeply moving and thought-provoking image, it is now very unlikely that Levin can actually see.

Joe Lieberman
Junior Senator from Connecticut
Party: Independent (Connecticut for Lieberman)
Assumed Office: 1989
Age: 65
Pros: Well, I mean, he’s not president or vice president. That’s something, right? Right?
Cons: Warmongering, self-righteous traitor to his party and his constituents; member of Connecticut for Lieberman political party, which very sadly has a 100% success rate so far in getting its candidates elected.

Blanche Lincoln
Senior Senator from Arkansas
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 1999
Age: 47
Pros: Youngest woman ever elected to the Senate (age 38); youngest current Senior Senator; excellent name for a politician.
Cons: Mighty conservative in some key respects, being from Arkansas and all; basically useless to the party on Iraq; the name “Blanche” literally means “white,” so her name as a descriptor is basically saying, “Look! There are still some white people named Lincoln in this country!” …and now that’s just racist, isn’t it?

(In this spot, but a month ago, I’d have been able to do a writeup on everyone’s favorite racial punchline senator Trent Lott. Due to his abrupt resignation, however, we must find a way to carry on without him. His replacement, Roger Wicker, will be evaluated at his appropriate alphabetical position.)

Richard G. Lugar
Senior Senator from Indiana
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 1977
Age: 75
Pros: Finally started coming around last year about Iraq, bluntly stating that the US military’s role should be diminished.
Cons: I think he and Angelina Jolie like each other. Ewwww.

Mel Martinez
Junior Senator from Florida
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 2005
Age: 61
Pros: Born in Sagua La Grande, Cuba; came to the US during a ’60s humanitarian effort called Operation Peter Pan, which probably had something to with Castro’s tactical use of flying children during the Bay of Pigs invasion.
Cons: Partly responsible for the infamous Schiavo memo; constantly being investigated for campaign donation and reporting violations since his election in 2004.

John McCain
Senior Senator from Arizona
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 1987
Age: 71
Pros: As of last night, widely considered to be the GOP frontrunner in the 2008 presidential election; seems to have overcome Mitt Romney’s sharply executed “Who Let The Dogs Out?” political move, which you’d think would have brought in minority voters by the truckload.
Cons: Is it too early to start worrying about this and this?

Claire McCaskill
Junior Senator from Missouri
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 2007
Age: 54
Pros: Defeated a sitting Republican senator, Jim Talent, in the 2006 Democratic sweep; more like Jim Talentless, I’d say! Talent in winning elections that is! Because he didn’t win! jhgljhlkjh
Cons: Looks like she’s angling to be Obama’s running mate; but no one wants a squishy-faced Vice President (we all remember how the last one ended up, don’t we).

Mitch McConnell
Senior Senator from Kentucky
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 1985
Age: 65
Pros: Great superhero alterego name; that’s about it.
Cons: Blazingly inept Senate Minority Leader; full-fledged Bush apologist and abettor; not actually a superhero, not even Green Arrow or something lame like that.

Bob Menendez
Junior Senator from New Jersey
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 2006
Age: 54
Pros: Second Cuban senator in today’s list, oddly enough; adorably football-shaped head.
Cons: Accused of ethics violations in 2006, but then again by New Jersey Democrat standards the guy’s probably a saint.

Barbara Milkulski
Senior Senator from Maryland
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 1987
Age: 71
Pros: Most senior female Senator; more significantly, though not “out” as such, our only lesbian Senator as well.
Cons: Has endorsed Hillary Clinton for President, talking about the whole woman glass ceiling feminist whatnot deal; minor quibble though, Mikulski’s one of the good guys…er, ladies. Not insinuating anything.

Next time: Know Your US Senators, part 8: Murkowski through Rockefeller. And maybe less than four months from now this time!