Archive for September, 2008

Know your US Senators, part 10 of 10: Sununu through Wyden

Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008

John Sununu
Junior Senator from New Hampshire
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 2003
Age: 43
Pros: Youngest current US Senator; spouse’s name is, hilariously, Kitty Sununu; pro’lly gonna get beat this year by rhymin’ queen Mean Jeanne Shaheen.
Cons: He’s some MIT grad egghead New Hampshire faux-Libertarian birth control Nazi who instinctively opposes all taxes and wants us to go back to, I dunno, feudalism or something. Or his idea of freedom is just saying “freedom” a lot. I don’t know. Shouldn’t have to worry too much about it after November.

Jon Tester
Junior Senator from Montana
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 2007
Age: 52
Pros: Alongside popular Democratic Governor Brian Schweitzer, Tester proves that the masses of charismatic wide-faced Montana farmers are startin’ to go blue. Yee-haw!
Cons: Lost three fingers in a meat grinder accident. EEEWWWWWWW GROSS LOL

John Thune
Junior Senator from South Dakota
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 2005
Age: 47
Pros: Defeated Senate Dem leader Tom Daschle in the massacre of 2004; this turned out to be a plus because we got rid of whiny puss Daschle and started winning elections again.
Cons: Now Daschle is a key figure in the Obama campaign (horrifying); far as Thune goes, he’s considered a hardcore conservative up-and-comer who might have filled the Sarah Palin slot on McCain’s ticket if he had ovaries.

David Vitter
Junior Senator from Louisiana
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 2005
Age: 47
Pros: Sure, he hit her, but reconsider: Vitter’s no quitter! (…by which I mean at the same time he was calling on Clinton to resign he was off banging hookers, and hey, look who’s still a Senator today).
Cons: According to the almighty Wikipedia — “In 2000, his wife, Wendy Vitter, commenting on the same scandal, said, ‘I’m a lot more like Lorena Bobbitt than Hillary. If he does something like that, I’m walking away with one thing, and it’s not alimony, trust me.’” Whoops! Wonder if she followed through. EEEWWWWWWW GROSS LOL penis

George Voinovich
Senior Senator from Ohio
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 1999
Age: 72
Pros: Once beat Dennis Kucinich in Cleveland, and I think regardless of party we’ve all wanted to beat Dennis Kucinich at one time or another.
Cons: Maybe it’s just me, but I find it really unusually awkward and uncomfortable to type “George Voinovich”; I’ve had to correct like twenty typos with his name in this post alone.

John Warner
Senior Senator from Virginia
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 1979
Age: 81
Pros: The only sitting US Senator to have been married to Elizabeth Taylor (as far as we know…I’m looking at you, Herb Kohl); former VA Governor and Democrat Mark Warner is likely to pick up his seat this year, so they won’t even have to change the name on the door.
Cons: Honestly, he’s a pretty decent and moderate Senator, especially for a southern Republican; best wishes in your retirement, Mr. Elizabeth Taylor #6.

Jim Webb
Junior Senator from Virginia
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 2007
Age: 62
Pros: Accomplished writer and genuinely highly intelligent decorated Vietnam veteran; seems like an obvious choice for national office…
Cons: …OH WAIT N/M

Sheldon Whitehouse
Junior Senator from Rhode Island
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 2007
Age: 52
Pros: His name is Whitehouse! WOuld you imagene if he evar becoms presidnet? what the newspapers would be they would be all lik “WHJITEHOUSE IS IN THE WHITEHSOUES!!!1111@.6″
Cons: Being the Junior Senator from Rhode Island is kind of like being Adam Hyzdu in the 2004 Boston Red Sox; sure, you get the ring and all, you get to ride in the parade and wave to all the adoring fans trying to figure out who you are (maybe the first base coach or something?)…but after that, your professional career whimpers to a halt, you end up pawning your ring for blow, not even the homely chicks in your local bar believe you when you say you were a professional baseball player, let alone one from a legendary championship team, then the years all start to blur together, and soon enough you die cold and alone watching reruns of “Law & Order: SVU” (not saying this is what actually awaits either Adam Hyzdu or Sheldon Whitehouse, but…you get the idea).

Roger Wicker
Junior Senator from Mississippi
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 2007
Age: 57
Pros: Roger Frederick “The Wicker Man” Wicker, as I’m sure no one calls him, was appointed to his Senate seat after Trent Lott suddenly disappeared in a puff of racism smoke (smells something like sulfur and fried chicken); may well get his ass beat in this year’s special election.
Cons: Doesn’t really seem like you’re taking care of the problem when Trent Lott resigns in disgrace and you replace him with someone whose resume highlights include “Counsel to Trent Lott on the House Rules Committee,” but what do I know?

Ron Wyden
Senior Senator from Oregon
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 1996
Age: 59
Pros: Net neutrality bill sponsor; strong critic of the tobacco industry; probably some other stuff whatever I’m almost done
Cons: Blah blah blah Iraq blah blah taxes DONE!!!!

HA! You didn’t think I’d finish, did you? You thought I’d take this all the way through November and then suddenly have to go back and do all the new Senators, didn’t you? Well I showed you. Now you know everything you will ever need to know about all 100 of our United States Senators. So fuck you.

Sorry, that’s uncalled for.

Next I’d like to write something about the social dilemmas brought into the presidential campaign by the emergence of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as John McCain’s running mate. Either that or I’ll post some funny “FAIL” videos. Whatever I have time for. No promises.