God damn it, I finish what I start.
Senior Senator from Michigan
Assumed Office: 1979
Pros: Respected Chairman of the Armed Services Committee; voted against sending troops into Iraq, and has consistently supported legislation to bring an end to the war; opposes New Hampshire’s claim on having the first presidential primary in the US, and I’m betting we’re more or less all in agreement on that one right now.
Cons: Keeps moving his glasses further and further down his face, presumably as a metaphor for the effects of climate change on the polar ice caps; while a deeply moving and thought-provoking image, it is now very unlikely that Levin can actually see.
Junior Senator from Connecticut
Party: Independent (Connecticut for Lieberman)
Assumed Office: 1989
Pros: Well, I mean, he’s not president or vice president. That’s something, right? Right?
Cons: Warmongering, self-righteous traitor to his party and his constituents; member of Connecticut for Lieberman political party, which very sadly has a 100% success rate so far in getting its candidates elected.
Senior Senator from Arkansas
Assumed Office: 1999
Pros: Youngest woman ever elected to the Senate (age 38); youngest current Senior Senator; excellent name for a politician.
Cons: Mighty conservative in some key respects, being from Arkansas and all; basically useless to the party on Iraq; the name “Blanche” literally means “white,” so her name as a descriptor is basically saying, “Look! There are still some white people named Lincoln in this country!” …and now that’s just racist, isn’t it?
(In this spot, but a month ago, I’d have been able to do a writeup on everyone’s favorite racial punchline senator Trent Lott. Due to his abrupt resignation, however, we must find a way to carry on without him. His replacement, Roger Wicker, will be evaluated at his appropriate alphabetical position.)
Richard G. Lugar
Senior Senator from Indiana
Assumed Office: 1977
Pros: Finally started coming around last year about Iraq, bluntly stating that the US military’s role should be diminished.
Cons: I think he and Angelina Jolie like each other. Ewwww.
Junior Senator from Florida
Assumed Office: 2005
Pros: Born in Sagua La Grande, Cuba; came to the US during a ’60s humanitarian effort called Operation Peter Pan, which probably had something to with Castro’s tactical use of flying children during the Bay of Pigs invasion.
Cons: Partly responsible for the infamous Schiavo memo; constantly being investigated for campaign donation and reporting violations since his election in 2004.
Senior Senator from Arizona
Assumed Office: 1987
Pros: As of last night, widely considered to be the GOP frontrunner in the 2008 presidential election; seems to have overcome Mitt Romney’s sharply executed “Who Let The Dogs Out?” political move, which you’d think would have brought in minority voters by the truckload.
Cons: Is it too early to start worrying about this and this?
Junior Senator from Missouri
Assumed Office: 2007
Pros: Defeated a sitting Republican senator, Jim Talent, in the 2006 Democratic sweep; more like Jim Talentless, I’d say! Talent in winning elections that is! Because he didn’t win! jhgljhlkjh
Cons: Looks like she’s angling to be Obama’s running mate; but no one wants a squishy-faced Vice President (we all remember how the last one ended up, don’t we).
Senior Senator from Kentucky
Assumed Office: 1985
Pros: Great superhero alterego name; that’s about it.
Cons: Blazingly inept Senate Minority Leader; full-fledged Bush apologist and abettor; not actually a superhero, not even Green Arrow or something lame like that.
Junior Senator from New Jersey
Assumed Office: 2006
Pros: Second Cuban senator in today’s list, oddly enough; adorably football-shaped head.
Cons: Accused of ethics violations in 2006, but then again by New Jersey Democrat standards the guy’s probably a saint.
Senior Senator from Maryland
Assumed Office: 1987
Pros: Most senior female Senator; more significantly, though not “out” as such, our only lesbian Senator as well.
Cons: Has endorsed Hillary Clinton for President, talking about the whole woman glass ceiling feminist whatnot deal; minor quibble though, Mikulski’s one of the good guys…er, ladies. Not insinuating anything.
Next time: Know Your US Senators, part 8: Murkowski through Rockefeller. And maybe less than four months from now this time!