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Archive for September, 2007
Junior Senator from Georgia
Assumed Office: 2005
Pros: Has assumed congressional seats previously held by Newt Gingrich and Zell Miller, thus continuing the great Georgian tradition of reactionary buffoonery.
Cons: Much of his enormous personal wealth can be traced to shares in Urban Outfitters and Starbucks. I guess this makes him the latte-drinking hipster’s Georgia Republican?
Senior Senator from South Dakota
Assumed Office: 1997
Pros: Currently making an improbable comeback in the Senate after suffering bleeding in his brain caused by cerebral arteriovenous malformation.
Cons: Up for reelection next year; a good chance for Republicans to kick a Democratic Senator in a red state while he’s still seen as weak.
Senior Senator from Massachusetts
Assumed Office: 1962
Pros: Without Ted, the closest thing we’d have to a Kennedy in the Senate is John Kerry, and none of us really want that.
Cons: Killed some lady.
Junior Senator from Massachusetts
Assumed Office: 1985
Pros: Legitimate war hero, but more heroic was what he did when he came back home.
Cons: We probably should have known he was a terrible choice to be the ’04 Dem nominee — even Dennis Kucinich could have at least won freaking Iowa.
Junior Senator from Minnesota
Assumed Office: 2007
Pros: Part of the 2006 Dem wave, though technically all she did was keep a blue seat blue; Minnesota’s first elected female Senator; so far, proving to be a dedicated and intelligent liberal voice.
Cons: Every time a news anchor has to read her last name, you can hear the panic in his voice.
Senior Senator from Wisconsin
Assumed Office: 1989
Pros: The last of the four big K-named Dem Senators, or as I call them, The KKKK; that doesn’t look as good written out as it did in my head.
Cons: Yes, Kohl as in Kohl’s — every time you shop at Kohl’s, you’re buying something directly from this little old Jewish Senator from Wisconsin (I hear he actually makes everything himself).
Junior Senator from Arizona
Assumed Office: 1995
Pros: Beats out Kit Bond and Jim Webb for shortest name in the United States Senate, as long as you don’t count his middle name, Llewellyn (indeed, here is that rarest of Senators whose full name is actually 2.5 times longer with his middle name included than it is without).
Cons: Head of Republican policy committee; very good at getting very scary neoconservative shit done.
Senior Senator from Louisiana
Assumed Office: 1997
Pros: Has proven herself an electable Democrat in the same state that once allowed David Duke to become a Congressman.
Cons: Unlikely to win reelection in 2008, as the voters of New Orleans who comprised the difference in her favor the last couple times aren’t really around so much these days.
Senior Senator from New Jersey
Assumed Office: 2003
Pros: Actually served in the Senate from 1982 through 2000 before retiring, but quickly regretted leaving and ran again in 2002; says he won’t make the same mistake again, so here’s to reelecting the 83-year-old Lautenberg to another six year term in ’08!
Cons: Proposed a bill this year entitled “The Denying Firearms and Explosives to Dangerous Terrorists Act of 2007.” I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to be doing that already, Frank, but it’s a nice thought anyway!
Senior Senator from Vermont
Assumed Office: 1975
Pros: First Democrat elected to Congress from Vermont since prior to the Civil War; today, there are no Republicans in Congress from Vermont; ahead of his time, this one.
Cons: Voiced a character in an episode of Batman: The Animated Series; wait, that’s not a con, that’s fucking amazing!
Next time: Know Your US Senators, part 7: Levin through Menendez