Know Your US Senators, part 1 of 10: Akaka through Bond

Daniel Akaka
Junior Senator from Hawaii
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 1990
Age: 82
Pros: Currently the only Chinese-American senator; second most scatological surname in the Senate.
Cons: He’s 82 years old and still his state’s junior senator, because Daniel Inouye has been serving since the Newlands Resolution of 1898.

Lamar Alexander
Senior Senator from Tennessee
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 2003
Age: 67
Pros: Accomplished pianist; won governorship of Tennessee in 1978 with the help of a sporty plaid shirt.
Cons: Whitest man alive named Lamar.

Wayne Allard
Senior Senator from Colorado
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 1997
Age: 63
Pros: Veterinarian by trade, allowing him to honestly claim to be a vet during election years.
Cons: You’ve never heard of him; I’m writing this and I’ve still never heard of him; named one of “America’s 5 Worst Senators” by Time.

John Barrasso
Junior Senator from Wyoming
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 2007
Age: 54
Pros: Recently appointed by Wyoming’s Democratic governor to replace the late Republican Senator Craig Thomas.
Cons: Presumably this means the Governor thought Barrasso was the most potentially beatable appointment candidate for the 2008 election, so this guy might only be in the Senate for a year; watch for sex/drugs/furry rumors as people start trying to figure out “what’s unelectable about John Barrasso?”

Max Baucus
Senior Senator from Montana
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 1978
Age: 65
Pros: Top Senate Democrat on issues of finance and moneyish things that I don’t understand.
Cons: Won 2002 election with the aid of an advertisement implying his Republican opponent was gay. Ah, Montana.

Evan Bayh
Junior Senator from Indiana
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 1999
Age: 51
Pros: Popular Dem in a largely red part of the country; appeals to voters who may normally vote Republican but who might be Bayh-curious (sorry); cherubic.
Cons: Destined to be dull and ineffective second half of Clinton ’08 presidential ticket.

Bob Bennett
Junior Senator from Utah
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 1993
Age: 73
Pros: Once thought to be Deep Throat due to his company’s association with Watergate burglar E. Howard Hunt.
Cons: Wasn’t Deep Throat; is creepy old Utah Mormon.

Joe Biden
Senior Senator from Delaware
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 1973
Age: 64
Pros: Most powerful man from Delaware.
Cons: Most powerful man from Delaware; opened 2008 presidential campaign by noting Barack Obama was both African-American and “clean”; noted asshole.

Jeff Bingaman
Junior Senator from New Mexico
Party: Democratic
Assumed Office: 1983
Age: 63
Pros: First won Senate seat by beating incumbent Republican astronaut, and beating an astronaut always makes you cool; so popular in his home swing state that he was reelected in 2006 by a 41 point margin.
Cons: Actual name is Jesse, for which “Jeff” is not even close to being an acceptable nickname.

Kit Bond
Senior Senator from Missouri
Party: Republican
Assumed Office: 1987
Age: 68
Pros: Can’t see out of one eye, which might explain his horrible voting record on pretty much everything.
Cons: While governor, rescinded the 1838 state Extermination Order against Mormons, thereby putting Mormon season on indefinite hiatus and allowing Mormons to overpopulate.

Next time: Know Your US Senators, part 2: Boxer through Casey

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