Junior Senator from Idaho
Assumed Office: 1999
Pros: Reelected in 2004 with a ridiculous 99% of the vote; has had a long and, to date, successful battle with prostate cancer.
Cons: Surname accurately describes his Senate voting record.
Junior Senator from South Carolina
Assumed Office: 2005
Pros: Voted to eliminate Federal income tax and replace with a 23% national sales tax (note: only a pro if you’re really fucking rich).
Cons: Stated during Senate campaign that gay people and unwed mothers shouldn’t be allowed to teach in public schools; he then won the South Carolina vote by 9+ percentage points. Remind me again why we wouldn’t let them secede?
Senior Senator from Connecticut
Assumed Office: 1981
Pros: Dated Bianca Jagger and Carrie Fisher; engaged in “donut fight” with Harold Ford, Sr. at a Dunkin’ Donuts in 1978; owner of The Dodd Pod.
Cons: Current presidential polls give him “no measurable support” in Iowa; quickly overtaking Dennis Kucinich as this year’s “punchline candidate.”
Senior Senator from North Carolina
Assumed Office: 2003
Pros: First female Secretary of Transportation; worked with MADD to get strict anti-drunk driving legislation passed.
Cons: The victim of Bob Dole’s Viagra spokesmanship.
Senior Senator from New Mexico
Assumed Office: 1973
Pros: Full name is Pietro Vichi Domenici. Go on, say it out loud.
Cons: Apparently the #1 least environment-friendly Senator, which, looking at some of these other Republicans, is quite an accomplishment.
Junior Senator from North Dakota
Assumed Office: 1992
Pros: I can’t find anything interesting about Byron Dorgan except for this picture of him with a cowboy wearing an “Encore” shirt.
Cons: And here’s a badly Photoshopped picture of Dorgan as a ballerina. Thanks, Google Image Search!
Senior Senator from Illinois
Assumed Office: 1997
Pros: He’s been a pretty effective Majority Whip; also ranks as the most liberal Senator, according to the National Journal.
Cons: Did a “reverse Mitt Romney” on abortion, once supporting a Constitutional amendment that would have nullified Roe v. Wade; now votes pro-choice, and attributes this switch to “personal reflection.” Uh-huh.
Junior Senator from Nevada
Assumed Office: 2001
Pros: Lead sponsor of the Animal Fighting Prohibition Enforcement Act, also called the “Why Michael Vick is Royally Fucked” Law.
Cons: Big Iraq war supprter; he’s that “Nancy Pelosi and Ted Kennedy are emboldening the enemy” douchebag.
Senior Senator from Wyoming
Assumed Office: 1997
Pros: Voted against the Iraq Funding bill in May, if for the wrong reasons.
Cons: Pushed bill in 2006 to eliminate state-mandated health care benefit protection minimums, basically attempting to let health insurance companies not cover whatever they don’t feel like covering. Because clearly, our nation’s health care problems are due to the states actually forcing insurers to pay for things.
Junior Senator from Wisconsin
Assumed Office: 1993
Pros: Only Senator to vote against Patriot Act in 2001; voted against authorizing the Iraq War in 2002; called for withdrawal in 2005, before any other Senator; introduced legislation to censure Bush over illegal wiretapping; Russ Feingold is the man.
Cons: Only Democrat to vote against Clinton impeachment dismissal; voted to confirm Attorney General Ashcroft; nobody’s perfect.
Next time: Know Your US Senators, part 5: Feinstein through Inouye